My Own TV Show and The Lisbon Treaty

Could I possibly have been any more morose and depressing in some of my previous posts?

Dear God in heaven above - what was I thinking! And all that over something so insignificant and ridiculous as some blip of of the male species, who, now that I have taken off those rose-tinted glasses, actually turns out to be the spitting image of that eagle-type character from the Muppets, or a mole. (take your pick)

Please God I will never return to such ridiculous levels of 'woe is me,' very unattractive and at the end of it all, no one cares that much about my inner most feelings. Not even me. So here we are, at the risk of sounding...like I'm the star of my own American teen drama...a new era of my life. xoxo (just kidding).

Speaking of American teen dramas, and being the star of one, I really do believe that my group of friends and I should star in our own drama. Think about it: our lives are ridiculously dramatic in all kinds of ways. Whether it's love triangles, family issues or a mixture of both - we've got it all. Think about it; no one writes or discusses or portrays the lives of our age group in Ireland today. There are no books, or TV series or movies, and I think it's about time there was. I think we should have a voice, and I think that voice would be very entertaining. No one has a clue what goes on with us 'young folk' these days. It's not easy to be 'young folk' these days, despite what any of the older folk say. Apparently we've never had it easier, and I can see where they're coming from to an extent, but they have no idea of the pressures we're under that didn't even exist when they were our age. Maybe I'll write a book, or an article or some such. I know Una is working on some kind of screen play type thing. She has some great ideas. I hope she follows through on it.

Also, the Lisbon Treaty. I still can't wrap my head around it. I got a booklet today in the post, but trying to read it (and understand it) is nigh on impossible. It's like random groups of words put together on the page. I know they make sense; I just can't figure out what sense.

I've watched debates and read articles and anything I can get my hands on in an effort to understand so I can make an informed decision, but they're not making it easy for me. Added to that, every politician in the country seems to be completely dismissing my age group. According to one woman on The Last Word on Today FM, we couldn't give a rats ass. This annoyed me greatly as the general consensus among the people I know isn't that we don't give a rats ass but that we've no idea what it's all about. Maybe if they tried harder to convey clearly what exactly it's all about instead of trying to use scare tactics or instill a false sense of patriotism we'd be better able to voice our opinions on the matter as opposed to remaining silent and intimidated by the whole thing. Many people of my peer group will not vote simply because they're too afraid to, and no one appears to be doing anything to change that. It seems as if the powers that be are happier to keep us in the dark; one would wonder why.

As it stands for me, personally, at this moment in time, I have not been given any strong reasons to vote no. The Sinn Fein tack of 'people died for your freedom' holds no water with me. I sympathise greatly with the people who died for my freedom and I'm very grateful to them for it, it has to be said and if anyone was to say "Ireland, that's part of the UK, right?" I'd be very quick to cut them down. It was a long time ago though, and saying will not mean we will be overtaken by another nation and relinquish our democratic rights.

Another NO camp: the Pro - Life crowd. Personally, I do not know whether or not I would have an abortion. There are issues surrounding it that make me very uneasy. The fact that in some countries you can have one up to three months is terrifying. I do however, believe that it is an ethical issue personal to every individual, and they should have the right to chose. The fact is that there are situations wherein I would be very likely to have an abortion. As it stands now, there are hundreds if not thousands of young girls flying to England hidden in disgrace and flown back just as fast. They miss out on important care before and after. There can be serious mental implications in having an abortion and when it all happens so fast, as is definitely the case with many girls (and women, I daresay) this goes without checking and can result in serious break down. If we were to legalise abortion (which I hasten to add, may not actually be the case if we vote yes, there is no guarantee that the EU will bring it in, it is only being suggested by some groups) it would make everything much easier for women already going through a traumatic experience; and regardless of whether or not they do legalise abortion, women WILL continue to go abroad or find other places in Ireland (one dreads to think) where they can get one without the appropriate care.

Another reason people are giving for saying no: military action, in particular in relation to Article 12. Apparently this article means that we will lose our neutrality and have to go to war if the EU decides to go war. This is not the case. We will have a veto and thus maintain our neutral status.

The above are the only reasons people have come up with for saying no. Not one of them, for me, are strong enough.

I had still not made up my mind to vote yes or no (despite trawling through The Times special) when I saw Garrett Fitzgerald on the news. A great politician of his day, and a brilliant mind, I listened to what he had to say and what he said made a lot of sense.

The original EU constitution was written up a long time ago for far fewer countries than are members now. It does need an over haul. The times we live in now are very different. The social and economic plane of the world is vastly different. We simply cannot continue to work under an archaic constitution. (One might say the same of this country's constitution, but that's another argument for another day). That is one very good reason to vote yes.

I still feel under-informed, and will be hesitant on voting whether or not I've really made the right decision. However, unless something much more solid comes up, I have not been given a reason to vote no, and have at least one steady reason to vote yes. Who knows what anyone else will do, for most are just as confused, if not more so, than I.

Hello Again.

So it's been a long time since I've been here, and quite frankly its safe to say I'm a much happier person than I was for the last few posts. Thank God.
I don't have enough time to launch into what's happened the past while, but I will say this:
My posts will be far more entertaining and less melodramatic and depressed. Also, I may resume the ridiculous adventures of Miss Jane Granger - they're quite funny on reflection.

I promise, the next post will update you on everything that's gone on in the past few months.

I love you all.

Seriously...

You need to get back here. I want posts from you to read...

Una xxx

I'm Fine.

I'm trying. I'm trying really hard.

Empty?

I feel a little bit empty at the moment.


The girls are being so understanding, and they're great, they really are, but I know my grace period is almost up and they don't want to hear it anymore. They won't say that but I know they think it.


I met him and we went for a drink. At first it was superficial, small talk almost. Eventually it came around and I ended up having a great time - it was almost like before - and that was great you know because I missed him so much and it was really great to spend time with him again.


But it was hard too. Really hard. I had to catch myself so many times and stop myself thinking thoughts I shouldn't, remind myself that it will never be what I had hoped and that even if he did suddenly turn around and say that he'd made a mistake and could we try that I'd never be fully happy because I can't trust him anymore and I'd never be certain of him.


I wonder, no, I think that he never realised either how much he's affected me, and that he never had half of the feeling for me that I have for him. I say have because I still have it. One of the girls asked me if I loved him, and I was reluctant to answer and deflected at the time because, having never been in love ever, and given that my feelings were in no way returned I did not want to discuss it but I know that I did, that I do love him. And it hurts.


The realisation that he does not, has never returned a quarter of these feelings kills. Now being with him, when I can't, will never be with him hurts like hell. I really don't know what's worse: not being around him and missing him terribley, or being with him and knowing that I will never be with him. At the moment it definitely feels like that latter.


I'd always been so idealistic about love, and dreamt about love. How very irritating that my first forray into the 'great, magnificent, stars-in-your-eyes' world of love should be such a painful one. But then, all great heroines' first experience of love is an unhappy one. Maybe I'm destined to be one of those great heroines. Maybe my story is a little bit more complex and painful than others, but ultimately more interesting and perhaps fulfilling...?

This chain of mine...

I did ask, and I did get answers.
I'm glad I asked because I did get some resolution from it. Or at least on the day, I felt resolution. Now I feel, I'm not sure I can describe it accurately enough...It's like when you have a favourite necklace that you wear. You wear every day, never taking it off, not at night or even when you shower. You're in the habit of playing with this necklace, absent-mindedly most of the time. You play with it when you're thinking, when you're worried, when you're listening to your best friend pour their heart out or even when you're just bored.
Then one day, the necklace is inexplicably gone. You search everywhere for it, your bed, your room, the sitting room, the bathroom, the shower, even turning your jumpers inside out and shaking them. Try how you might, you just can't figure out how it's gone missing. You become angry with yourself for not taking better care of it. You retrace your steps time and time again trying to figure out what happened, where it went wrong. You refuse to give up looking for it for quite some time, sure that you'll find the answer somehow.
Then, one day you finally accept that the necklace is gone forever. You decide that the time for looking for it has passed and you stop being quite so angry. And for a while, you feel better. You even have moments where you completely forget about it.
But then the real missing starts. It's not all encompassing like it was at first. But it is ever present. Every time you go to play with it, you miss it. Without even thinking, you're hand reaches for the spot it used to rest but to no avail, it's gone. Every time that happens, you feel a pang. Every time your hand fails to grasp the little chain you wonder where it went, what happened to it and you miss it.
That's what I feel now. I miss him. I don't even know if I do believe what he told me that in Tribes. I did at the time, and I was sure that we could be friends again eventually, but now I'm not so sure. I miss him with all my heart. The other night I was on the brink of texting him a usual jokey text message.I couldn't do it. Whatever it was, I couldn't bring myself to write, let alone send it. It was like when words catch in your throat. Even though I knew it would be a great ice-beaker of sorts and set things on the road to the way they used to be, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Tonight, I missed home again. I went to see a play, and as it wasn't the most stimulating play I've ever seen, I spent most of it wondering if it was him up in the box, just a few feet above my head. I looked up at the op box every so often. I fiddled with my watch wondering if he knew I was there. When I walked out, it crossed my mind should I hang back a few minutes to see if he'd appear. I didn't, my good sense prevailed. But still I missed him, no, yearned for him terribly. For the past few days, every day I go to touch my necklace, but it's not there and I miss it.
I'm even afraid of seeing him now because I spend so much of my time close to tears just thinking about him...if I were to see him in a social setting, being his usual friendly, flirty self with everyone around, it would hurt, and I don't want to be hurt by him anymore. I want to be friends with him again, because I miss him, but I'm afraid of being hurt by him even more. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to stop hurting, I want to stop missing him. I want to forget I ever had a stupid necklace.