Sleepless in...Carlow

Once again I am suffering from that very irritable occurence where you lie in bed, desperately tired, yet you cant switch your brain off and are thus unable to sleep. Having been here before, and having listened to my rants from a variety of friends, I even tried following their advice.

Ordinarily I must sleep with a tv or at the very least a radio in the background. It helps me to tune out my own thoughts, allowing me to succumb to slumber by reducing the background noise (be it tv or radio) to an incoherent static. It's enough to stop my own thoughts, but not enough to keep me awake.

Tonight however, as I lay in bed with the tv on and my eye patch over my eyes (I must have complete darkness) try as I might I could still hear my own thoughts. They buzzing around like bees around a hive. I tried following my friends' advice for once (they could be right you know...) and switched off the tv. I lay in complete darkness and complete silence for two whole hours.

It didn't work.

My brain will just not stop buzzing. It keeps hopping from one thing to the next as well, it's not like there's one particular thing bothering me, it everything that's going on, and even things that aren't going on. Thanks to an episode of Men Behaving Badly combined with this random show I came across Notes From the Underbelly (your run of the mill newleywed comedy) I was even thinking about babies and giving birth. Not something that I'm particularly concerned with at the moment!

So now I'm here. I figured the only way it might be possible to get my brain to switch off is to come on here and try and tire it out by venting some of whats hurtling around in there. To return to my earlier analogy of a beehive it feels like the Queen has gone postal and all the other bees are rocketing around trying to restore order and calm but without much luck because some of the bees have decided to give up and kill themselves. Which would actually be a good thing for me coz it would mean the death of the buzzing bastards. Unfortunately they're not very bright and are trying to kill themselves by jumping from a great height. Not the best idea when you can fly and just as you're about to hit the ground your survival instinct kicks and and you start beating your wings subconscioulsy. It's about as effective as a fish trying to drown itself.

I think the above rant only serves to prove how tired and rambling my brain is at the moment.

Its all down to work. It has completely messed up everyting from my sleeping pattern to my eating pattern. Working as a social care assistant in a residential home is not easy at the best of times. The hours are very unsociable to say the least. Now don't get me wrong, I actually do like the job and after three years of working part time at weekends and over the holidays its fairly safe to say I'm beginning tobe quite good at it. The only thing is, you're on the opposite time table to everyone else. You start work when everyone else finishes, and if you're on an over night shift you work when everyone else is asleep and you sleep when everyone else is at work. The general daily shifts are enough to cause havoc - typically starting at half four and finishing at ten, without any real break, you tend to try and eat lunch around two or three, but by the time you get home just after ten you're starving so you eat a dinner - the worst thing you can do at that time of night. That inevitably keeps you up for a few hours and then because you're not in work early you sleep late. When you're on an overnight, a 10pm -10am, you're lucky to get one meal a day. I tend to only manage a bowl of cereal and maybe some dinner before I head into work at eight or nine, still very late to be eating dinner. Inevitably the nibbles set in during the night so you snack on whatever's available. Usually biscuits or a bar. Hardly what you'd call healthy. Obviously, when you switch quite often between 'day' shifts and over nights, it causes havoc with your whole system.

The result? Me, sitting here right now because I came in from work starving because I didn't get a chance to eat anything before work and therefore indulged on a rather large dinner which is now just sitting rather uncomfortable in my stomach. I feel like I never want to eat again. I do like my job, I get great satisfaction out of it. I just wish it would play quite so much havoc with my body's systems. There must be a better way to deal with it.

As I was feeling quite fatigued on a regular basis I've started taking pharmaton which does seem to be giving me a bit of a boost energy wise. Today I went out and bought some green tea which is suppposed to be good for boosting your metabolism and de-toxing your body - something I definitely need. I need to do something, I feel like one of those mini gel men you put in water that grow to five times their normal size. You know what I'm talking about.

I'm aware that Una Power is probably the only person in the world who will read this, and she'll probably laugh her way through it, but that is not the point of this blog. No. To my mind, all that matters about this blog is that I get to rant, and get things off my chest without anyone interupting me. Rather like when I ring my friends and leave ridiculously long voicemails about nothing just so I can air some troubled thoughts. So whether or not anyone reads this, I don't really care. The point is I have sufficiently ranted to my hearts content and am now finally starting to feel my brain shutting down enough to allow me to sleep.

I'm off to watch St Elsewhere - an eighties Grey's Anatomy starring Denzel Washington and Helen Hunt. Bizarre, I know, but it works. Shame I only get to see it when I have a bout of insomnia.....

My Own TV Show and The Lisbon Treaty

Could I possibly have been any more morose and depressing in some of my previous posts?

Dear God in heaven above - what was I thinking! And all that over something so insignificant and ridiculous as some blip of of the male species, who, now that I have taken off those rose-tinted glasses, actually turns out to be the spitting image of that eagle-type character from the Muppets, or a mole. (take your pick)

Please God I will never return to such ridiculous levels of 'woe is me,' very unattractive and at the end of it all, no one cares that much about my inner most feelings. Not even me. So here we are, at the risk of sounding...like I'm the star of my own American teen drama...a new era of my life. xoxo (just kidding).

Speaking of American teen dramas, and being the star of one, I really do believe that my group of friends and I should star in our own drama. Think about it: our lives are ridiculously dramatic in all kinds of ways. Whether it's love triangles, family issues or a mixture of both - we've got it all. Think about it; no one writes or discusses or portrays the lives of our age group in Ireland today. There are no books, or TV series or movies, and I think it's about time there was. I think we should have a voice, and I think that voice would be very entertaining. No one has a clue what goes on with us 'young folk' these days. It's not easy to be 'young folk' these days, despite what any of the older folk say. Apparently we've never had it easier, and I can see where they're coming from to an extent, but they have no idea of the pressures we're under that didn't even exist when they were our age. Maybe I'll write a book, or an article or some such. I know Una is working on some kind of screen play type thing. She has some great ideas. I hope she follows through on it.

Also, the Lisbon Treaty. I still can't wrap my head around it. I got a booklet today in the post, but trying to read it (and understand it) is nigh on impossible. It's like random groups of words put together on the page. I know they make sense; I just can't figure out what sense.

I've watched debates and read articles and anything I can get my hands on in an effort to understand so I can make an informed decision, but they're not making it easy for me. Added to that, every politician in the country seems to be completely dismissing my age group. According to one woman on The Last Word on Today FM, we couldn't give a rats ass. This annoyed me greatly as the general consensus among the people I know isn't that we don't give a rats ass but that we've no idea what it's all about. Maybe if they tried harder to convey clearly what exactly it's all about instead of trying to use scare tactics or instill a false sense of patriotism we'd be better able to voice our opinions on the matter as opposed to remaining silent and intimidated by the whole thing. Many people of my peer group will not vote simply because they're too afraid to, and no one appears to be doing anything to change that. It seems as if the powers that be are happier to keep us in the dark; one would wonder why.

As it stands for me, personally, at this moment in time, I have not been given any strong reasons to vote no. The Sinn Fein tack of 'people died for your freedom' holds no water with me. I sympathise greatly with the people who died for my freedom and I'm very grateful to them for it, it has to be said and if anyone was to say "Ireland, that's part of the UK, right?" I'd be very quick to cut them down. It was a long time ago though, and saying will not mean we will be overtaken by another nation and relinquish our democratic rights.

Another NO camp: the Pro - Life crowd. Personally, I do not know whether or not I would have an abortion. There are issues surrounding it that make me very uneasy. The fact that in some countries you can have one up to three months is terrifying. I do however, believe that it is an ethical issue personal to every individual, and they should have the right to chose. The fact is that there are situations wherein I would be very likely to have an abortion. As it stands now, there are hundreds if not thousands of young girls flying to England hidden in disgrace and flown back just as fast. They miss out on important care before and after. There can be serious mental implications in having an abortion and when it all happens so fast, as is definitely the case with many girls (and women, I daresay) this goes without checking and can result in serious break down. If we were to legalise abortion (which I hasten to add, may not actually be the case if we vote yes, there is no guarantee that the EU will bring it in, it is only being suggested by some groups) it would make everything much easier for women already going through a traumatic experience; and regardless of whether or not they do legalise abortion, women WILL continue to go abroad or find other places in Ireland (one dreads to think) where they can get one without the appropriate care.

Another reason people are giving for saying no: military action, in particular in relation to Article 12. Apparently this article means that we will lose our neutrality and have to go to war if the EU decides to go war. This is not the case. We will have a veto and thus maintain our neutral status.

The above are the only reasons people have come up with for saying no. Not one of them, for me, are strong enough.

I had still not made up my mind to vote yes or no (despite trawling through The Times special) when I saw Garrett Fitzgerald on the news. A great politician of his day, and a brilliant mind, I listened to what he had to say and what he said made a lot of sense.

The original EU constitution was written up a long time ago for far fewer countries than are members now. It does need an over haul. The times we live in now are very different. The social and economic plane of the world is vastly different. We simply cannot continue to work under an archaic constitution. (One might say the same of this country's constitution, but that's another argument for another day). That is one very good reason to vote yes.

I still feel under-informed, and will be hesitant on voting whether or not I've really made the right decision. However, unless something much more solid comes up, I have not been given a reason to vote no, and have at least one steady reason to vote yes. Who knows what anyone else will do, for most are just as confused, if not more so, than I.

Hello Again.

So it's been a long time since I've been here, and quite frankly its safe to say I'm a much happier person than I was for the last few posts. Thank God.
I don't have enough time to launch into what's happened the past while, but I will say this:
My posts will be far more entertaining and less melodramatic and depressed. Also, I may resume the ridiculous adventures of Miss Jane Granger - they're quite funny on reflection.

I promise, the next post will update you on everything that's gone on in the past few months.

I love you all.

Seriously...

You need to get back here. I want posts from you to read...

Una xxx

I'm Fine.

I'm trying. I'm trying really hard.

Empty?

I feel a little bit empty at the moment.


The girls are being so understanding, and they're great, they really are, but I know my grace period is almost up and they don't want to hear it anymore. They won't say that but I know they think it.


I met him and we went for a drink. At first it was superficial, small talk almost. Eventually it came around and I ended up having a great time - it was almost like before - and that was great you know because I missed him so much and it was really great to spend time with him again.


But it was hard too. Really hard. I had to catch myself so many times and stop myself thinking thoughts I shouldn't, remind myself that it will never be what I had hoped and that even if he did suddenly turn around and say that he'd made a mistake and could we try that I'd never be fully happy because I can't trust him anymore and I'd never be certain of him.


I wonder, no, I think that he never realised either how much he's affected me, and that he never had half of the feeling for me that I have for him. I say have because I still have it. One of the girls asked me if I loved him, and I was reluctant to answer and deflected at the time because, having never been in love ever, and given that my feelings were in no way returned I did not want to discuss it but I know that I did, that I do love him. And it hurts.


The realisation that he does not, has never returned a quarter of these feelings kills. Now being with him, when I can't, will never be with him hurts like hell. I really don't know what's worse: not being around him and missing him terribley, or being with him and knowing that I will never be with him. At the moment it definitely feels like that latter.


I'd always been so idealistic about love, and dreamt about love. How very irritating that my first forray into the 'great, magnificent, stars-in-your-eyes' world of love should be such a painful one. But then, all great heroines' first experience of love is an unhappy one. Maybe I'm destined to be one of those great heroines. Maybe my story is a little bit more complex and painful than others, but ultimately more interesting and perhaps fulfilling...?