Months later...

I know, I know, I'm a total farce. So many things have happened since last I tapped out words on this little screen. I've just been so busy, engrossed in my own little world and using a pen, rather than a keyboard to sound out my thoughts. Much has happened to my alter-ego Jane also, and much has been written of her, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait for that, Idon't have any of it with me.
I'm off to London on Wednesday, I really can't wait. The Power that is Una shall be accompanying me. Exciting much.
I shall update further then.

Looking back to happier times

I was just on bebo and cmae across this. It was posted ages ago, and I wouldn't feel right putting it up there now, it's such a happy page right now. But I'm gonna post it here. I feel I should put it somewhere. The thing is yesterday I attended a kids themed party where we played all manner of kids games etc. The playing in the field, running about, playing games, getting dirty - it all served as a memory of my childhood. Most of it, time I spent with Barry. Especially because we were in the country and playing in the field. It didn't make me sad at the time or anything, it was nice remembering all those stupid things we used to do. I think that's why I skated down the way too steep hill. I was standing at the top, looking down and I thought to myself: what would Barry do if he were here? What would he say? He would say do it. Just like the time we jumped into the water-filled quary. I grazed my knee that time too. That was what we did. We spent our entire childhood and even some of our teens doing stupid things, quite often getting hurt, but that was just part of it. I know that if he had been there yesterday, of course he would have been worried when I lamped myself, but seeing I was ok he would have called me a mad bitch but ben impressed none the less. Twisted I know, but that's the way we were. I miss him so much sometimes. He brought such life and vigour to everything he did. He was a mad fucker alright, but that was just part of him that made everyone love him all the more. Even now memories are flooding back to me: the time we broke the window in his garage and he cut his hand quite badly, the time we managed to lock him in the booth of the car, the time I got my head cracked off a tree, the time the television fell onto us, the times we went exploring the building sites...the list goes on. Of course, as far as the adults are concerend allnthe above were accidents, unintentional - we covered up for each other very well. To this day no one knows we broke that window. The window was already broken when we got there, we were trying to clean up the glass, that's how Barry cut his hand. Really. Jesus, and all the times we went climbing all over the hay bales down the fields and caught field mice. We were inseperable really. they called us the terrible twins. Whenever we went anywhere together people thought we actually were twins. Sometimes we pretended we were! So, for Barry:


Barry "The Man Himself"
Barry was a very popular young man, loved and admired by all who knew him, as evidenced by the massive attendance at his funeral and by the outpouring of emotion by young and old alike. He played with distinction for this club from his very first outing and achieved many honours in a career that promised much more in the years to come.
Barry had the distinction of playing in two under 12 Finals, two U14 Finals, two U16 Finals and a Minor Final, winning both U12 Finals, an u14, u16 and a Minor Final. Barry was captain of the Minor winning side last year. As an U14 he went on to play in the All Ireland Feile in Tipperary. He also won an All Ireland Colleges Senior C Final with Presentation College Carlow and represented his county too. As a player he had a great competitive spirit, was fearless and loved a challenge. He was never fazed by an opponent and inspired those around him with his ability to win ' hard ball', to take punishment and drive on for victory. There is no doubt that he would have gone on to achieve great things in senior grade in years to come.
Barry had a great love of life and lived his short life to the full. He possessed great charm and warmth and was always the life and soul of the party. Never in bad form he had a glint in his eye and you just knew he was game for anything. He had an ability to get on with people - of all ages and was extremely loyal to friends and family. If you were a friend of Barry's he would look out for you, no questions asked. He had a great sense of humour too and loved nothing better than to put one over on you. I even heard of him getting Tony Maher to take his photo to appear in the Carlow People, the rival newspaper to his father's Nationalist, just to rise Tom! That was his way. Tom and Marian were great parents and friends to Barry and all the family and we know they will bear their cross with great dignity.
As many of you know Tom Geoghegan devoted much of his live to this club and has always been one of the real cornerstones of the Club. Tom has over the years been a great friend to countless Eire Og players and members and did more good turns, in a quiet unassuming way, than will ever be known. Barry lived his life to the full; he used all his talents well and is now gone to claim his just reward in Heaven. It can be hard for us to share the pain but sometimes words can be a source of comfort. Here is a short poem by a lady called Mary Frye, that for me describes Barry as we knew him.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.


Ar Dheis De go raibh a anam dhilis.

what now?

interesting developments. that's all I'm saying.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

How is it you can be so certain about someting one minute, and then utterly confused about it the next? I was 100% sure that it was right. Now, I don't think it's right at all. I'm not just confused or unsure, I feel the opposite of what I originally felt. It has to end, but I don't know how and I have to wonder, am I just running away? Am I giving up too easily? A part of me thinks I am, but a bigger part tells me I have to do it. I don't know how though, I really don't know how.....
I have to do it. I will do it. In fact, I'll be doing it today. The thoughts of it make me sick, but I guess it's ok because I have people who care about me to look after me and help me through it. I know it's the right decision. I've weighed it all up, I've considered it from every angle and come to the conclussion that I'm not willing to settle and lose something that's a big part of what I am; not when there are people with whom such a loss isn't even a slight consideration.
Ok, it doesn't stop the horrific churning in my stomach and it is still very upsetting, but at least I know ot's the right thing to do.
I just hope it goes well.....

weirdness.

So I'm getting a sense of deja vu. I've been here before, I've done this before, I've learned this lesson. I see people around me crumple, fear, shock, dissbelief. I just stand, silent. I think to myself, and maybe its wrong but I think 'aha!' there it is. They now feel one little bit of what I feel everyday. They now see a fraction of what (thankfully) they have been blind to. I feel an odd detachment to it because I simply can't take it and yet an attachment because now there is a face I knew, a voice I heard. I wonder, why is it happening?
I see the fear in their eyes, and I can understand why, I feel it myself. Its crazy and unbelievable and I feel...odd.
Life is weird sometimes.

Times they are a-changin...

Right, so the thing that wasn't being said? It was said. It only took a shoulder of vodka and much encouragement from many people not even remotely involved for me to do it. It could have gone horrifically wrong. I could be sitting here writing about how everything is so bleak, and really, what is the point of anything...? But I'm not. In fact, I couldn't be happier. This time, for once in my life, it was worth taking the risk. It kind of made me realise why people take risks all the time.
In life, people take risks every day - both big and small - and as someone who has been relatively unlucky in the risks I've taken, I always wondered what the point was. Now I know. (cue cheesy American TV-with-morals bit...)
Even if, time after time, your risks do not pay off, the one time, that one ever elusive moment when something clicks into place and everything seems to fall together at your feet, makes it all worth it.
Time after time I have taken risks, putting myself out there and leaping head first into things. Time after time, I came up short. Then one day, well, I didn't even need to take much of a risk...it just sort of happened. Now the challenge has changed from taking a risk to facing the fear and not running away. This is truly a different kind of challenge, one I personally find harder. It's one thing to take the initial leap, it's another thing altogether to let go of the safety cord and let yourself fly. But that, my friends, is another story for another blog.
Speaking of stories...

Jane took in the man standing before her. He was very tall with brown hair and a somewhat arrogant air. His name signalled something in Jane's memory, but she could not recall what.
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. - Winchester did you say?" she greeted, standing and bowing her head.
"Yes I did. I take it the name rings a bell?" he smiled taking her hand and raising it to his lips.
"Well, yes, actually but I can't quite recall - "
"Ha ha, I'm not surprised. My father, Alfred Winchester? He owns the biggest ship yard in Cork. Everyone knows him."
Now Jane could recall who this young man was. Or at least who his father was. Alfred Winchester was a man much hated by her father. He had started life as a lowly sea merchant and had cheated, swindled and bribed his way to the top of his profession. A few years back Jane's father lost an entire crew of officers on a ship built by Winchester's ship yard. He swore it was because Winchester took shortcuts with the building materials. The loss of those men cut Jane's father's heart deeply. She could not abide listening to this man brag about his father's success a moment longer.
"The biggest shipyard in Cork?" Jane asked.
"Mr Winchester is a very influential and revered man, Jane." Katy supplied. Jane read between the lines of this statement, validating her own suspicions. Mr Winchester was powerful, and feared.
"Well, I suppose that's not hard when it's the only shipyard. Still though, I imagine it's a big achievement for a man who started out as a deck hand."
Jane savoured the gasps of the company and the shock on Mr Edward Winchester's face.
"My dear Katherine, I am rather exhausted, I think I should like to go home now. Will you take a walk with me?" she asked with a sweet smile and feigned fatigue. Katy nodded mutely and hurried to replace her bonnet on her head.
"Miss Granger, I would like to join you in a visit to your aunts house?" the girl by the name of Stephanie asked politely.
"Of course. I'm certain Aunt Victoria will be thrilled to meet my new acquaintances.

Who am I? Oh yeah...me...

So I find myself in a perplexing situation. I'm not entirely sure what's going on and it's frustrating because what it boils down to is that I don't know how I feel about something I don't understand. It's all very confusing...
I'm very...unsure. You see, there's a lot going on, but nothing is being said, if you know what I mean. I feel like there's a great big pink elephant in the room and everybody is politely ignoring it's existence.
Anyways, I'm sure I'll figure it out. Eventually...