Saturday, October 20, 2007

This chain of mine...

I did ask, and I did get answers.
I'm glad I asked because I did get some resolution from it. Or at least on the day, I felt resolution. Now I feel, I'm not sure I can describe it accurately enough...It's like when you have a favourite necklace that you wear. You wear every day, never taking it off, not at night or even when you shower. You're in the habit of playing with this necklace, absent-mindedly most of the time. You play with it when you're thinking, when you're worried, when you're listening to your best friend pour their heart out or even when you're just bored.
Then one day, the necklace is inexplicably gone. You search everywhere for it, your bed, your room, the sitting room, the bathroom, the shower, even turning your jumpers inside out and shaking them. Try how you might, you just can't figure out how it's gone missing. You become angry with yourself for not taking better care of it. You retrace your steps time and time again trying to figure out what happened, where it went wrong. You refuse to give up looking for it for quite some time, sure that you'll find the answer somehow.
Then, one day you finally accept that the necklace is gone forever. You decide that the time for looking for it has passed and you stop being quite so angry. And for a while, you feel better. You even have moments where you completely forget about it.
But then the real missing starts. It's not all encompassing like it was at first. But it is ever present. Every time you go to play with it, you miss it. Without even thinking, you're hand reaches for the spot it used to rest but to no avail, it's gone. Every time that happens, you feel a pang. Every time your hand fails to grasp the little chain you wonder where it went, what happened to it and you miss it.
That's what I feel now. I miss him. I don't even know if I do believe what he told me that in Tribes. I did at the time, and I was sure that we could be friends again eventually, but now I'm not so sure. I miss him with all my heart. The other night I was on the brink of texting him a usual jokey text message.I couldn't do it. Whatever it was, I couldn't bring myself to write, let alone send it. It was like when words catch in your throat. Even though I knew it would be a great ice-beaker of sorts and set things on the road to the way they used to be, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Tonight, I missed home again. I went to see a play, and as it wasn't the most stimulating play I've ever seen, I spent most of it wondering if it was him up in the box, just a few feet above my head. I looked up at the op box every so often. I fiddled with my watch wondering if he knew I was there. When I walked out, it crossed my mind should I hang back a few minutes to see if he'd appear. I didn't, my good sense prevailed. But still I missed him, no, yearned for him terribly. For the past few days, every day I go to touch my necklace, but it's not there and I miss it.
I'm even afraid of seeing him now because I spend so much of my time close to tears just thinking about him...if I were to see him in a social setting, being his usual friendly, flirty self with everyone around, it would hurt, and I don't want to be hurt by him anymore. I want to be friends with him again, because I miss him, but I'm afraid of being hurt by him even more. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to stop hurting, I want to stop missing him. I want to forget I ever had a stupid necklace.

Friday, October 05, 2007

To ask, or not to ask?

There are many questions I have now that I need answers to. The biggest being should I ask them at all. Such a whirlwind as happened tonight, such a meleƩ of emotion that I'm surprised I can still stand. But then, I'm not so affected as that.
I heard the words with my own ears and still I'm failing to understand. Maybe I should stop trying to understand. I feel very angry, and vengeful; I want to enact revenge of some sort yet I can't. This is not clear cut, this is muggy and dirty and so mixed up that I feel unable to act either way.
I am so hurt by this. For the first time I am not the one to blame, I wasn't seeing things that weren't there, or only seeing the things I wanted to see - I saw what was there; what was real. Yet I am the one who has to pay. I'm the one who has to feel foolish, and humiliated and stupid. I do know that this is not the end of my world. I do know that there are a million people out there worse off than I am, a million times worse even. I do know that I will get past this, I'm made too strong to be beaten down for too long and there is some relief in finally knowing where I stand.
But that doesn't stop me feeling hurt and angry. I am blameless in this, I did nothing but be charmed and swept away as anyone would have. But I feel mortified.
I feel like saying nasty things, I feel blatantly showing the whole world what a horrible was done to me. But we were friends ere anything else and that stops me. Still, after all that has happened I could not do that.
He fucked up. He royally fucked up and I know he knows that but I want him to know it more. How could he ever expect things to go back the way they were? The thoughts of even seeing him right now turn my stomach. I feel betrayed.
Because of his actions, not only have I lost someone I thought I could be with, but I've lost a friend as well. I don't understand why.
This is a new hurt to me. And the truth of the matter? He didn't deserve to break my heart, he's not worthy of it. Nor does he deserve my tears, fall though they might. I'm worth more than that, I deserve more than that.
I hope he realises what he's lost. I don't think I will see him 'on the other side'. I'm not sure I'll ever allow him to have me again, as a friend or even less.
So do I ask him why?

I don't know.