I am about to start a new phase of my life. A new adult phase. I will, in a few days time be partaking in a conferring ceremony which will furnish me with a Bachelor of Arts, joint honours in English and Drama and Theatre Studies. I will be a graduate.

Now most people, upon graduation, launch themselves into the world of work, becoming gears on the great machine that is the economy.

However, the thought of becoming such a worker bee fills me with dread. The kind of dread that leads one to break out in a cold sweat and start to hyperventilate. For I am, as of yet, still unsure exactly what kind of worker bee I wish to be (see what I did there?).

Being in the world of theatre for so long as I have, in particular the last three years, has left me in the precarious postition of loving every part of it so much, I don't know what part I want to do for a living. Do I want to perform? Do I want to direct? Do I want to write? Do I want to teach or work back stage? I just don't know!

In order to to try and sort myself out, I have decided to further my studies in this field by completing a MA in Drama and Theatre Studies. Specifically, advanced performance. Along side this, I shall be fulfilling my role as Production Officer on the Dramat Committee which will give me great insight into that side of theatre, and who knows, I may direct and/or write to top it all. Hopefully by the end of the next twelve months I will have determined a positive course of action.

Alongside being a Postgrad (scary stuff) I have of late been finding myself embroiled in other 'mature' activities. It seems the world is doing it's best to make me a grown up. I'm fighting it, of course, but there's nothing for it. Renting a house from a proper letting agency, (spanish inquisition, I tell ya!) getting a loan from the bank and organising and paying for my first proper holiday fully independant of the parental all requires a certain maturity. That and being in an actual relationship. But the less said about that the better.

I must tell you, as I near my 22nd birthday, as maturity and adulthood is thrust upon me with the would-be force of Huricane Gustave, I feel the need to actively become more mature; more cultured; to appear intelligent and witty and all things desirable in an adult in the cultured circles I frequent. I feel the need to download Stephen Fry's podcast, and shun the Sunday Independant for the Sunday Times and scoff at Sky News, favouring Reuters more worldly unbiased view of world events. I feel I should listen to jazz and alternative underground not-yet-discovered artists. I feel I should stare at an unmade bed in the centre of a room and declare it genius. I feel I should be able to quote Shakespeare and Byron and Keats at the drop of a hat in an unaffecting manner. I should be all things together. I should be effervescent. A delight to be around. I should be all of this without being hauty or snobbish, but rather graceful, and seemingly ignorant of my own brilliance. More importantly, I should know exactly where I am and where I'm going. I should have a five year plan.

The truth? While I do download stephen fry's podcast, scoff at Sky News for its sheer irritability, I'm more inclined to listen to the soundtrack of Wicked rather than jazz, love art galleries and can, to a degree quote Shakespeare and Byron easily enough (not so much Keats, doesn't really float my boat)I am not all together. A five year plan? Ha! You must be joking. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do beyond this year. This month actually if I'm honest. Why is there so much pressure to have a plan? Did people my age always feel pressurised into having a plan for their life in the same way we do? I get that sense that people just got on and did things in the past because they didn't have as much choice as we do. We have so many choices facing us. We have degrees and qualifications to beat the band and more kinds of jobs than you could shake a stick at. The days of girls becoming nurses or teachers, and boys being farmers, priests or teachers are long gone. Now we have the kind of jobs that defy description. People have job titles that give no indication of the kind of job they actually do. Are we better off, despite the pressure, or worse off?

Someone once said that ignorance is bliss.

I have decided to leave the answers to my questions unresolved. What will be will be.

Mea Culpa.

Que sera sera.

Whatever.

Sleepless in...Carlow

Once again I am suffering from that very irritable occurence where you lie in bed, desperately tired, yet you cant switch your brain off and are thus unable to sleep. Having been here before, and having listened to my rants from a variety of friends, I even tried following their advice.

Ordinarily I must sleep with a tv or at the very least a radio in the background. It helps me to tune out my own thoughts, allowing me to succumb to slumber by reducing the background noise (be it tv or radio) to an incoherent static. It's enough to stop my own thoughts, but not enough to keep me awake.

Tonight however, as I lay in bed with the tv on and my eye patch over my eyes (I must have complete darkness) try as I might I could still hear my own thoughts. They buzzing around like bees around a hive. I tried following my friends' advice for once (they could be right you know...) and switched off the tv. I lay in complete darkness and complete silence for two whole hours.

It didn't work.

My brain will just not stop buzzing. It keeps hopping from one thing to the next as well, it's not like there's one particular thing bothering me, it everything that's going on, and even things that aren't going on. Thanks to an episode of Men Behaving Badly combined with this random show I came across Notes From the Underbelly (your run of the mill newleywed comedy) I was even thinking about babies and giving birth. Not something that I'm particularly concerned with at the moment!

So now I'm here. I figured the only way it might be possible to get my brain to switch off is to come on here and try and tire it out by venting some of whats hurtling around in there. To return to my earlier analogy of a beehive it feels like the Queen has gone postal and all the other bees are rocketing around trying to restore order and calm but without much luck because some of the bees have decided to give up and kill themselves. Which would actually be a good thing for me coz it would mean the death of the buzzing bastards. Unfortunately they're not very bright and are trying to kill themselves by jumping from a great height. Not the best idea when you can fly and just as you're about to hit the ground your survival instinct kicks and and you start beating your wings subconscioulsy. It's about as effective as a fish trying to drown itself.

I think the above rant only serves to prove how tired and rambling my brain is at the moment.

Its all down to work. It has completely messed up everyting from my sleeping pattern to my eating pattern. Working as a social care assistant in a residential home is not easy at the best of times. The hours are very unsociable to say the least. Now don't get me wrong, I actually do like the job and after three years of working part time at weekends and over the holidays its fairly safe to say I'm beginning tobe quite good at it. The only thing is, you're on the opposite time table to everyone else. You start work when everyone else finishes, and if you're on an over night shift you work when everyone else is asleep and you sleep when everyone else is at work. The general daily shifts are enough to cause havoc - typically starting at half four and finishing at ten, without any real break, you tend to try and eat lunch around two or three, but by the time you get home just after ten you're starving so you eat a dinner - the worst thing you can do at that time of night. That inevitably keeps you up for a few hours and then because you're not in work early you sleep late. When you're on an overnight, a 10pm -10am, you're lucky to get one meal a day. I tend to only manage a bowl of cereal and maybe some dinner before I head into work at eight or nine, still very late to be eating dinner. Inevitably the nibbles set in during the night so you snack on whatever's available. Usually biscuits or a bar. Hardly what you'd call healthy. Obviously, when you switch quite often between 'day' shifts and over nights, it causes havoc with your whole system.

The result? Me, sitting here right now because I came in from work starving because I didn't get a chance to eat anything before work and therefore indulged on a rather large dinner which is now just sitting rather uncomfortable in my stomach. I feel like I never want to eat again. I do like my job, I get great satisfaction out of it. I just wish it would play quite so much havoc with my body's systems. There must be a better way to deal with it.

As I was feeling quite fatigued on a regular basis I've started taking pharmaton which does seem to be giving me a bit of a boost energy wise. Today I went out and bought some green tea which is suppposed to be good for boosting your metabolism and de-toxing your body - something I definitely need. I need to do something, I feel like one of those mini gel men you put in water that grow to five times their normal size. You know what I'm talking about.

I'm aware that Una Power is probably the only person in the world who will read this, and she'll probably laugh her way through it, but that is not the point of this blog. No. To my mind, all that matters about this blog is that I get to rant, and get things off my chest without anyone interupting me. Rather like when I ring my friends and leave ridiculously long voicemails about nothing just so I can air some troubled thoughts. So whether or not anyone reads this, I don't really care. The point is I have sufficiently ranted to my hearts content and am now finally starting to feel my brain shutting down enough to allow me to sleep.

I'm off to watch St Elsewhere - an eighties Grey's Anatomy starring Denzel Washington and Helen Hunt. Bizarre, I know, but it works. Shame I only get to see it when I have a bout of insomnia.....

My Own TV Show and The Lisbon Treaty

Could I possibly have been any more morose and depressing in some of my previous posts?

Dear God in heaven above - what was I thinking! And all that over something so insignificant and ridiculous as some blip of of the male species, who, now that I have taken off those rose-tinted glasses, actually turns out to be the spitting image of that eagle-type character from the Muppets, or a mole. (take your pick)

Please God I will never return to such ridiculous levels of 'woe is me,' very unattractive and at the end of it all, no one cares that much about my inner most feelings. Not even me. So here we are, at the risk of sounding...like I'm the star of my own American teen drama...a new era of my life. xoxo (just kidding).

Speaking of American teen dramas, and being the star of one, I really do believe that my group of friends and I should star in our own drama. Think about it: our lives are ridiculously dramatic in all kinds of ways. Whether it's love triangles, family issues or a mixture of both - we've got it all. Think about it; no one writes or discusses or portrays the lives of our age group in Ireland today. There are no books, or TV series or movies, and I think it's about time there was. I think we should have a voice, and I think that voice would be very entertaining. No one has a clue what goes on with us 'young folk' these days. It's not easy to be 'young folk' these days, despite what any of the older folk say. Apparently we've never had it easier, and I can see where they're coming from to an extent, but they have no idea of the pressures we're under that didn't even exist when they were our age. Maybe I'll write a book, or an article or some such. I know Una is working on some kind of screen play type thing. She has some great ideas. I hope she follows through on it.

Also, the Lisbon Treaty. I still can't wrap my head around it. I got a booklet today in the post, but trying to read it (and understand it) is nigh on impossible. It's like random groups of words put together on the page. I know they make sense; I just can't figure out what sense.

I've watched debates and read articles and anything I can get my hands on in an effort to understand so I can make an informed decision, but they're not making it easy for me. Added to that, every politician in the country seems to be completely dismissing my age group. According to one woman on The Last Word on Today FM, we couldn't give a rats ass. This annoyed me greatly as the general consensus among the people I know isn't that we don't give a rats ass but that we've no idea what it's all about. Maybe if they tried harder to convey clearly what exactly it's all about instead of trying to use scare tactics or instill a false sense of patriotism we'd be better able to voice our opinions on the matter as opposed to remaining silent and intimidated by the whole thing. Many people of my peer group will not vote simply because they're too afraid to, and no one appears to be doing anything to change that. It seems as if the powers that be are happier to keep us in the dark; one would wonder why.

As it stands for me, personally, at this moment in time, I have not been given any strong reasons to vote no. The Sinn Fein tack of 'people died for your freedom' holds no water with me. I sympathise greatly with the people who died for my freedom and I'm very grateful to them for it, it has to be said and if anyone was to say "Ireland, that's part of the UK, right?" I'd be very quick to cut them down. It was a long time ago though, and saying will not mean we will be overtaken by another nation and relinquish our democratic rights.

Another NO camp: the Pro - Life crowd. Personally, I do not know whether or not I would have an abortion. There are issues surrounding it that make me very uneasy. The fact that in some countries you can have one up to three months is terrifying. I do however, believe that it is an ethical issue personal to every individual, and they should have the right to chose. The fact is that there are situations wherein I would be very likely to have an abortion. As it stands now, there are hundreds if not thousands of young girls flying to England hidden in disgrace and flown back just as fast. They miss out on important care before and after. There can be serious mental implications in having an abortion and when it all happens so fast, as is definitely the case with many girls (and women, I daresay) this goes without checking and can result in serious break down. If we were to legalise abortion (which I hasten to add, may not actually be the case if we vote yes, there is no guarantee that the EU will bring it in, it is only being suggested by some groups) it would make everything much easier for women already going through a traumatic experience; and regardless of whether or not they do legalise abortion, women WILL continue to go abroad or find other places in Ireland (one dreads to think) where they can get one without the appropriate care.

Another reason people are giving for saying no: military action, in particular in relation to Article 12. Apparently this article means that we will lose our neutrality and have to go to war if the EU decides to go war. This is not the case. We will have a veto and thus maintain our neutral status.

The above are the only reasons people have come up with for saying no. Not one of them, for me, are strong enough.

I had still not made up my mind to vote yes or no (despite trawling through The Times special) when I saw Garrett Fitzgerald on the news. A great politician of his day, and a brilliant mind, I listened to what he had to say and what he said made a lot of sense.

The original EU constitution was written up a long time ago for far fewer countries than are members now. It does need an over haul. The times we live in now are very different. The social and economic plane of the world is vastly different. We simply cannot continue to work under an archaic constitution. (One might say the same of this country's constitution, but that's another argument for another day). That is one very good reason to vote yes.

I still feel under-informed, and will be hesitant on voting whether or not I've really made the right decision. However, unless something much more solid comes up, I have not been given a reason to vote no, and have at least one steady reason to vote yes. Who knows what anyone else will do, for most are just as confused, if not more so, than I.

Hello Again.

So it's been a long time since I've been here, and quite frankly its safe to say I'm a much happier person than I was for the last few posts. Thank God.
I don't have enough time to launch into what's happened the past while, but I will say this:
My posts will be far more entertaining and less melodramatic and depressed. Also, I may resume the ridiculous adventures of Miss Jane Granger - they're quite funny on reflection.

I promise, the next post will update you on everything that's gone on in the past few months.

I love you all.

Seriously...

You need to get back here. I want posts from you to read...

Una xxx