Saturday, November 03, 2007


I feel a little bit empty at the moment.

The girls are being so understanding, and they're great, they really are, but I know my grace period is almost up and they don't want to hear it anymore. They won't say that but I know they think it.

I met him and we went for a drink. At first it was superficial, small talk almost. Eventually it came around and I ended up having a great time - it was almost like before - and that was great you know because I missed him so much and it was really great to spend time with him again.

But it was hard too. Really hard. I had to catch myself so many times and stop myself thinking thoughts I shouldn't, remind myself that it will never be what I had hoped and that even if he did suddenly turn around and say that he'd made a mistake and could we try that I'd never be fully happy because I can't trust him anymore and I'd never be certain of him.

I wonder, no, I think that he never realised either how much he's affected me, and that he never had half of the feeling for me that I have for him. I say have because I still have it. One of the girls asked me if I loved him, and I was reluctant to answer and deflected at the time because, having never been in love ever, and given that my feelings were in no way returned I did not want to discuss it but I know that I did, that I do love him. And it hurts.

The realisation that he does not, has never returned a quarter of these feelings kills. Now being with him, when I can't, will never be with him hurts like hell. I really don't know what's worse: not being around him and missing him terribley, or being with him and knowing that I will never be with him. At the moment it definitely feels like that latter.

I'd always been so idealistic about love, and dreamt about love. How very irritating that my first forray into the 'great, magnificent, stars-in-your-eyes' world of love should be such a painful one. But then, all great heroines' first experience of love is an unhappy one. Maybe I'm destined to be one of those great heroines. Maybe my story is a little bit more complex and painful than others, but ultimately more interesting and perhaps fulfilling...?

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